HELP! I Have a Hair Emergency

I really wish there was a hair hotline for people to call when they are about ready to get out the weed whacker or dog clipper and whack it all off.

“Hair Hotline.  Is this a hair emergency?’

“Yes, it is,” I assured Ms. Hair.  “I’ve been growing my hair out for months, and I’m about ready to take a Weed eater to it.  My bangs hang halfway down my eyes, and poke me like little kids tickling their younger brother.  It’s really annoying.  I’ve tried gel, mousse, and every type of hairspray on the planet, including pizza-flavored.  But that only resulted in a crowd of teenage boys hanging around my house.”

“Oh ma’am, that sounds pretty heavy.”

“Well, that’s not the worst part,” I continued.  “Last week I gave it all up and globbed a chunk of Crisco on my hair to try to get it under control, and now I look like a complete moron.  I can’t get it out of my hair.  I’ve tried everything I can think of.”

Ms. Hair snickered.  Just what I needed – an unfriendly hair hotline helper to shame me.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” she apologized.  “I was just reading the funniest email someone sent me.”

“It looks pretty bad, and people have been calling me Crisco Head and telling me I should get into the oil export business.  But they are right, in some ways.  I look like I could resolve the entire world oil crisis.  I really need help.”

“Yeah, that sounds pretty serious.  Maybe you could do the export thing, or you could get a wig.”

I couldn’t believe her suggestions.  “Don’t you have any other ideas?”  I asked with a sigh.

“Okay, there is one other thing.  Go buy a box of cornmeal, and empty the whole box on your head.  It will soak up most of the oil so you don’t look like a greaser.  Then you can brush it out of your hair, after rubbing it into the roots and covering each strand.  Your hair will look sleek and gorgeous.”

“Sounds good.  I’m gonna go buy some cornmeal right now.” Click.  I hung up without thanking her because I didn’t think she deserved it with her slimy attitude.

I zipped to the store in my convertible, hoping the wind would whip through my bird’s nest-like hair.  But of course that was impossible.  At the stoplight I reached into my bag and got out my lipstick to do a quick touch-up.

Climbing out of car, I noticed a giant grease stain on the headrest.  I whipped out my compact mirror and realized I had applied a thick layer of flesh-colored cover up instead of my favorite lipstick.  My lips were heavily globbed with the cover-up because I had decided to apply the lipstick extra thick to detract from my greasy hair.

I pulled out a Kleenex and wiped off the cover-up, then strutted into the baking section of the grocery store to grab some cornmeal.  Once I paid for it and drove home, I went into the kitchen and poured the entire box on my head.  That’s when the phone rang.

My husband called to let me know we would be having guests over for dinner.  He said his boss had to fly to Australia unexpectedly to take care of some business, so the dinner party scheduled for next week was to take place that night at our house.

“That’s going to be a little tough,” I responded.  Later we will definitely have a long chat about this.

“Oh, don’t let it stress you out, honey.  You know Ben is from Oklahoma and loves a good Southern meal with lots of grease and cornmeal – something like beans and cornbread, with lots of bacon grease in the beans.”  Ugh.

Someone Please Call the Birthday Police!

David’s Cookies  Chocolate Fudge  Birthday Cake

If you have the number for the birthday police, I really need it.  Last February I received a postcard in the mail that my women’s exam happens  to expire around my birthday.  Of course I had the option of going in a few weeks early so my birthday would be free of paraphernalia down in my South America.  Bless their little hearts for giving me the option of choosing another week.  But my question is:  Why do they have to ruin my birthday month with annual exams?  I want to ask the Birthday Police about this.

I would prefer to do almost anything else on my birthday than have an exam of that nature.  Since my driver’s license and my professional license also expire on my birthday, I do have other options for my special day.  Either way, I was left with three unforgettable choices for celebrating my birthday:

  1. Get a physical exam
  2. Renew my driver’s license
  3. Renew my professional license

What kind of a sick joke is this?  We need a birthday police to make sure that nothing expires on our birthdays.  What’s wrong with having licenses and pap smears expire on our half birthdays?  That would mean that on August 18, half way between my last and next birthday, my licenses and pap smear would expire.  I could deal with that.

Speaking of birthdays, I plan to celebrate mine until I get so old that my teeth, hearing, and memory are all gone.  I want to milk my birthday for all it’s worth.  Presents, parties, special dinners, and cards – bring them on!

A few weeks ago I had lunch with a friend in her early thirties.  The conversation turned to birthdays and age.  She commented on a TV commercial where a woman spoke of parentheses lines around her mouth.  This angered my friend.   She told me what a good thing it is – that faces are meant for lines, and how they define us and make us beautiful in unique ways.  She reflected on how age is a virtue because it is connected with wisdom.   Scripture emphasizes this.  But in the midst of a culture that worships beauty it’s easy to forget this weighty truth.

Tomorrow I will turn fifty, and I’m feeling good about it.  To me, it means I’m even more comfortable in my body, and much more free of societal expectations.  I work out because I love it (please don’t stick Oreo cookies all over my car because you hate me!) and I love who I am and what I do on most days.  Of course this side of Heaven, we all have our dignity and depravity, and I certainly have mine, which I’m writing about in my book.

So tomorrow I’ll celebrate and indulge by eating the richest, heaviest chocolate cake on the planet.  I will remember that I have a great deal to be thankful for.  What’s not to like?

Gray hair is a crown of splendor; it is attained by a righteous life.  

Proverbs 16:31

Defeating the Body Image Bandit: Truth vs. Lies

Americans see over 250,000 ads before the age of 17. 

Living in a culture where we drown in a tsunami of images takes a toll.  We forget that phenomenal women have hips.  The lies of the Body Image Bandit tell us if we’re not thin, tall, and flawless, we don’t possess beauty.  Yet that mentality is from the Body Image Bandit, the Father of Lies, whose mission is to kill, steal, and destroy.  The lies include:

1.  Fat phobia:  Research shows that teen girls are more afraid of fat than terrorism.

Due to the images our brains are saturated with, we are brainwashed into thinking thinness is the major criteria of beauty.  One way to combat this is to rid or limit our lives of fashion, beauty, and celebrity magazines.  After looking at such magazines for ten minutes, women become more depressed.

2.  Appearance is almost everything. 

God values our hearts much more than the size of our hips.  Actually, our internal qualities carry much more weight in God’s eyes.  “But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and self-control.  (Gal 5:22)

Makeup Quotes

4.  Food is the enemy, as it creates fat.  God created a variety of foods to be enjoyed in moderation.  Read related posts about deprivation, which remind us depriving ourselves leads to binges.

Yet if we allow ourselves treats in moderation, we will reduce our desire to binge.

5.  Beauty is completely external. A complete lie.  “What matters most is not your outer appearance – the styling of your hair, the jewelry you wear, the cut of your clothes – but your inner disposition.  (I Peter 3:3, The Message)

6.  Youth is beautiful and old age is ugly.  In many cultures, age equals wisdom and is greatly valued.  Yet in most so-called “advanced” countries, older people are devalued (women more so than men).  Wrinkles aren’t respected.

“Gray hair is a crown of splendor; it is attained by a righteous life.”  (Proverbs 16:31, NIV)

How do you define beauty?  What does your soul sing about beauty?